Consistency

photo credit: pexels.com

*Slowly poking through the endless amount of cobwebs up in this place*

OH HI! It's been a while...again. I promise, I've thought about sneaking in here and writing what my little heart ever so wildly desires, but you know, life and quite frankly, procrastination has swallowed me up. How to get out of such a funk? It's hard boo, so hard. I need to snap out of it and just write, even if it's on a notepad, a journal, WHATEVER, just write it out and allow myself to breathe a little easier. Nowadays my nerves are shooting through the roof, sometimes I am just desperate to escape my thoughts. It's a crazy and scary time that we are living in right now, so we need all the positive outlets that we can release through.

I really have no direction of what to write, I just felt like coming on here and allowing myself to just release...let go...give myself the freedom to write without too much thought. I don't have anything really exciting to share, other than buying a new camera (canon mark 5d iv) and trying to start up a YouTube channel, but everyone is doing that nowadays right? *eyeroll* If you'd like to take a looksie, just click here. Not much to see yet, but I have some ideas brewing in my head, so stay tuned for a new video soon! I'm also still trying to navigate this camera and learn all the ins and outs of it, no easy task but I'll get there. My husband has gone crazy ordering lenses for it too, but of course this buffalo would order a lens that isn't even for the camera. Oh baba, it never fails. hehe.

What has really been consuming me? My health. I've fallen so sick these past few years that I have lost count. My negligence, my carelessness. I woke up the other day with a heavy heart, and just laid my palms on the bathroom counter, looked at myself in the mirror and just dropped my head and started crying. I felt really alone in that moment, like, nothing or no one could possibly understand me or better yet...are sick of my health issues. I don't go around town talking about it, only a hand full of close loved ones actually know, but still. I'm tired. But honestly, who does it fall on? ME. I AM the one who has to make extreme changes, because no one else can do it for me. What is it going to take? I get so upset at myself, but then I also try to forgive myself and give grace when needed. Should I be honest? My downfall is procrastination, I am not consistent. I really hate that about myself, and sometimes I'll get this big surge of motivation and inspiration and just like that...the flame dims. It's sad. I don't want to be that person, I want to be better, successful, vibrant, healthy and overflowing in my life in ALL aspects.

It has to start with me. I can't live in my shadow, with so much potential ahead of me, I have no excuse.

Sigh.

Damn.

I didn't mean to get so emotional...but, well, I needed to let that little bit out.

Till next time, loves. As Tabitha Brown always says, "Have a good day and if you can't, don't you dare go messing up nobody else's!"